She’s been open about suffering with eating disorders throughout her life, having battled bulimia from the age of 11 as well as anorexia and body dysmorphia. But after maintaining a steady weight and healthy eating patterns for several years, Nicola McLean reveals she has relapsed back into disordered eating. The star, who found fame in the noughties as a glamour model, admits seeing the rise in celebrities resorting to extremes by using skinny jabs in order to achieve drastic weight loss has led her to spiral into a dark place.
Nicola, 43, tells Closer, ‘I was doing so well but, in the last two months, I’ve been trying to get through the day without eating at all – that’s when I know I’m back on the slippery slope. I definitely think the rise of so many celebrities getting thinner has been triggering for me. It’s the ones who didn’t need to lose anything and have gone even thinner. I see skinny celebrities on my Instagram constantly and think, “I want to look like that.” For someone with an eating disorder like me, that’s so dangerous.’
The reality TV star, who is mum to sons Rocky, 17 and Striker, 13, with husband and former footballer Tom Williams, adds, ‘People who were the same size as me are suddenly now half the size of me, and I can’t help but say, “They look so much better, so therefore I’d look better if I was the same size as them.” I showed Tom a picture of someone recently and he said, “Babe, she looks terrible and too thin”, but I don’t hear any of it. Now I’ve started disordered eating and cutting out meals, which I haven’t done for so long.
‘My bulimia has always been there – it feels like a part of me, which sounds ridiculous. When I feel full, I think, “Oh, I could just go and throw it up”, because I’m so used to doing it and have done since I was 11. I know it’s a form of self-harm. When I’m bad with my eating, I’ll just eat salmon while everyone else has rice. I’ll constantly try to get in as few calories as possible and substitute my foods.’
But Nicola says she’s suspicious about celebrities who claim they’ve lost weight through hard work but have actually resorted to using weight-loss injections without being truthful. In fact, she’s even approached a few. She says, ‘I DM’d a celebrity on Instagram, who I get on well with, and asked, “What have you been doing?” She didn’t admit it, but I know it must be the skinny jabs. It’s the sudden, rapid style of weight loss that gives it away, because you can’t do that in a short space of time unless you do something to aid it.’
She adds, ‘I know they’re lying. It’s not right. I’ve asked a few others, but only a couple admitted it. When you lose weight from going to the gym, you don’t just go skinny, you build muscle, so when you see celebrities who don’t have muscle, it’s clear they’re using skinny jabs. If you went to the gym every day and ate what you needed to perform at that level, you’d have a body like Gabby Allen from Love Island – she’s toned and muscular and looks unbelievable!’
After succumbing to weight-loss injections herself in the past, Nicola urges other people not to be tempted. She admits, ‘I tried skinny jabs before because I was offered them for free on Instagram. They gave me such a bad headache; I was really unwell and struggled to get out of bed and I would never recommend anyone do the same.’
Despite acknowledging she’ll forever be plagued with body insecurities, Nicola is determined not to let her disorder control her life. She says, ‘I don’t go on scales and I only use handheld mirrors, but I’ve definitely lost weight. My clothes are looser and I’ve lost a dress size. I hate the way I look, and I always have, but I’m speaking out to hold myself accountable – I can’t allow myself to get as bad as I was.
‘I suffer with high blood pressure, and a lot of that is probably the strain on my heart. Like most women, I’ve been fobbed off with antidepressants when really we’re not depressed. Even when I weighed under six stone and I was at my worst, my BMI was still reading fine. There needs to be a huge overhaul in women’s health.’
Though she tries to conceal her eating patterns, Nicola says Tom is well aware. She says, ‘There’s only one day of the week that we all eat as a family together because the boys play football most nights, so for that one evening it’s easy for me to make an excuse.
‘Tom is always supportive; he called it out recently so I couldn’t be so secretive and said, “I’ve seen you’ve started to not eat again – you can’t go back to that.” He’s keeping a close eye on me and he knows what to look out for. I am trying to make sure I don’t get like I was.’